A lot of stuff today...

Wednesday LinkFest

Quarter finalized
Thank God, the New River gorge/bridge scene won in the quarter design contest.

Another take on the JL anniversary
Here, the Daily Mail describes life in WC a year later.

Charleston Barbies
THIS is the most amusing bit of WV humor I've seen in a long time, and no surprise it comes from Jerry. The writer is a West Virginian in exile in SC, who sent the text to Jerry. Then Jerry added the graphics. Even if you don't live in the Kanawha valley area, you can still generalize the various Barbies to stereotypes in your area.

This just in - God has sense of humor
Diane sends this link as proof that God does have a sense of humor.

Highway memorials
Remember a while back when I was relating the story of being spooked by a median memorial on Route 50? Well, Michelle sends this from the NY Times (see second letter, registration required to access site). "Were we to turn the site of every calamity into a monument, we'd dwell in a necropolis," writes Randy Cohen. YES! YES! YES! His three-paragraph reply to a reader's inquiry is worth a read.

Hillbilly funeral arrangements
The Brooklyn Hillbilly sent me the following reply to this post (re: my request to have my remains paraded around the Mountain State in a sidecar):

I wanted to tell you that I'm not gonna put you in a side car --- I'm gonna put your ashes in a playmate mini-cooler, bungee strap it to the rack of a 4 wheeler and ride around on all the unlined roads.

See, that's why I've given him this assignment -- that's WAY better than a sidecar!

Moving pictures to return to McDowell after 20 years
Well, thank goodness. The Brooklyn Hillbilly & I grew up in a county without a theater, and look at the deranged lunatics we've grown into. Perhaps this theater will stop the cycle in McDowell.

Our home county (WC) used to have a theater. My mom talked about going to see movies right there in the middle of town, a few blocks from her house. It was a concept completely foreign to me.

But there's something to be said for having to drive an hour (or almost an hour) each way to get to the theater in the neighboring county. For one thing, if you're a teenager, that gives you a whole lot more time out of the house. If the movie starts at 9 and doesn't end till 11 or a little after, well, there's no way a reasonable parent would want to make you RUSH back on Route 14, dodging kamikaze deer and raccoons, to get back by midnight. So, you see, you get a little more leeway in your curfew, more so than if the theater's right down the street from your house.

When will this trend make it to the Mountain State?
Note to Brooklyn Hillbilly: After you've composed my obituary (in which you shall declare I've been kidnapped by the angels), I request that you have my corpse driven around WV in one of these motorcycle sidecars. You can put "B**ch" on top instead of "Daddy," as is shown in the photo.

Thanks to Michelle for sending me this link.

My, that's a big box of tampons you have there
So, I went to the warehouse store today. I think you can imagine where I'm going with this. Well, actually, it didn't happen this time. By it, I mean my knack for running into people I work with while I'm out shopping. I assure you I cased the place thoroughly before putting the gross of tampons into my cart.

But here's how it usually happens. I'm doing a bunch of housework -- painting, cleaning, mowing -- and looking all gross and disgusting, but I remember that I really need something from the store and just jump in the car and go.

Then I get in the store and realize I'm wearing paint-spattered sweatpants and a t-shirt that's about 5 sizes too large, and my hair is looking even worse than usual. Besides my appearance, the contents of my cart usually clearly convey my loser status -- you know, like a 20 pound bag of anti-hairball weight control cat food, 5 boxes of microwave popcorn, 25 pounds of birdseed, potting soil, and about 12 two-liter bottles of diet coke. It's usually some major administrator I happen upon, or my boss, or someone I really don't want to see me like that, pushing around voluminous amounts of bizarre substances. So there I am, "Hi, Mr. so & so...nice evening to do some shopping isn't?" Ha. Indeed. They survey my cart and think to themselves, "Now there's a woman destined to live alone forever..." Plus, nothing commands respect in the workplace like having it known that you're a cat-harboring, diet coke guzzling birdwatcher.

I love me some guns
Michelle and I disagree, somewhat, on the issue of the rifle team. First, let me say, I'm glad they're back. I liked the rifle team. I was sad when the program was cut. At the time, I thought it was probably not the best decision.

BUT...I'm very exasperated that the elimination of an athletic team at one of the state's schools can mobilize the public and legislators, yet no one seems to give a rat's arse that the state is going to hell in a handbasket. SHOOTING while Rome burns -- to be officially added to the fiddling and diddling files.

Hoppy says it best in his commentary today, pointing out that the legislators put $100,000 for the team into the state budget, yet cut the university's budget by over $7 million. That, clearly, makes a great deal of sense, but I guess the NRA didn't have much interest in the rest of the university's budget.

Another thing -- I hope the people who wanted the team restored are really ready to support it. How many of them have ever donated to the team? How many have in their wardrobe rifle t-shirts or hats? Have they ever been to a match? (I seriously DOUBT that because a) the matches generally started at 8 a.m. and b) there's really not much of a place to be a spectator at the rifle range.)

But the team is back, and, if what the NRA says is accurate, this will return a great sense of pride to the state, so at least we will be a proud people while we're being taxed to death to bail the state out of financial ruin.

Hillbilly 'Apprentice' wanna-be
I hope this guy gets on "The Apprentice." I want to see a West Virginian tangle with Donald Trump. Eagle-eye Martha in KY, official monitor of the Herald-Dispatch, sent me the link -- thanks Martha!

REMINDER
Vote for the darn quarter!
I mistakenly thought the deadline was last Friday. Guess I didn't read and comprehend the press release. I always had trouble with reading comprehension...ANYWAY...go VOTE!

*Update* I read today (Friday) that the winner will be announced Tuesday, after school children help the governor "tally the votes." Oh dear...

Even the radio stations want to leave
Like so many of the state's residents, WV's oldest radio station (the frequency, anyway) -- WWVA -- may also be fleeing the state.

One year later
I think you know the anniversary. Hat tip to Martha for sending me this, BTW. This article takes a look at WC a year after the JL story began. The headline proclaims that little has changed outwardly, which, of course, comes as no surprise to those of us who grew up there and still go back regularly. In reference to one of the men quoted in the story, saying that he now has cable television because of JL, I'm a little bitter over that. It's left over bitterness from eighteen years of watching two blurry channels and being at the mercy of any sort of storm or atmospheric disturbance.

More great press for Mountain State
This story is making the online NYT, Drudge, etc. today. *exasperated sigh*
"T-shirt slight has WV up in arms"
The Abercrombie & Fitch t-shirt says "It's all relative in West Virginia" and has an outline of the state. Gov. Wise sent a letter requesting the company quit selling the shirt.

Of course, had Abercrombie & Fitch done any kind of research, they would have instead adopted some sort of gambling-related slogan.

Thanks to Martha & Jerry for sending me the story this morning.

Obesity rant - keep your fat mouth shut
I've been spending a lot of time in doctors' waiting rooms of late. No, I'm not sick ('cause I just know you're really concerned); it's just all these stupid annual appointments have inconveniently come at once because I've delayed some of them several months.

Anyway, at one recent trip to see what I'll call the "medical professional" -- 'cause I don't want to get bloody hate mail -- one of the other people waiting was a morbidly obese woman. I get uneasy in these situations -- not because I have some unhealthy fear of the obese, but because, while I'm no longer obese, I am still very, very sensitive when people make rude remarks. It's like I'm tempted to stand up in the middle of the room and announce, "Look, I just want to make it clear, I'm on her side, not yours, you -- you -- you skinny people. Listen here - anyone utters one word about fatness and she and I are gonna kick your ass."

The woman's name was called and she got up, with obvious difficulty. I cringed, feeling bad for her. I just knew some moron would say something; I could just feel the tension building. And, of course, I was not disappointed.

She had just turned her back to go into the "treatment area" when an old man in a wheelchair -- who had a considerable paunch, I might add -- declared loudly to his companion, "WHAT'D THAT LADY HAVE ON -- A BLANKET?" The companion, to his/her credit, did not acknowledge this question.

I was fuming. I wanted to club him and wheel his sorry arse into the middle of the street. I wondered if I should say something. But what? I know it's no use.

I know you're probably thinking that the woman should exercise, and there's no way any responsible person can "let themselves go" like that. Well, here's what you get when you try exercising -- stupid morons making comments like that, or barking at you, or yelling to call in Greenpeace because a whale's been beached. So, you get depressed and don't exercise again for a while, gain more weight, try it again, and then you're in so much pain you can't walk. And then what? If you can't move, then dieting or even fasting is going to do little or no good (I'm not a "medical professional", so this is speculation from personal observations).

What I'm trying to say is, for the love of God, keep your mouth shut. Think all the whale jokes you want, share them with your family when you get to the car -- I don't care -- just don't say it in public. I've yet to meet an overweight person who's happy about being overweight, and do you really want people pointing out your physical flaws? I mean, do you go up to people and say, "Wow, look at that receding hair line!" Or "Damn, look at the size of that lady's beak!"

You know you're getting old when...
...the medical professionals seem so young, you're not even tempted to entertain sexual fantasies about them.

(Note to Brooklyn Hillbilly: Don't even bother e-mailing to tell me that no one's ever too young for you to fantasize about -- trust me, I'm reading your mind. I will also take this occasion to point out that you will ALWAYS BE OLDER THAN ME!!!!)

STATE QUARTER ALERT!
Vote by Friday for the state quarter design
Screw the presidential primary -- here's a contest you might actually have some say in. Deadline is 5 p.m. Friday for residents to vote. I'll be casting my vote for the second design.

First purses, now camera phones
Last year a WV high school banned purses, at least temporarily (frankly, I lost interest in the story after awhile), and now another school system -- Fayette County -- has decreed there shall not be no, er, any camera cell phones in school.

In a somewhat unrelated story, last week legislators entertained a measure that would have made school uniforms mandatory in all public schools, citing the outrageous cost of properly outfitting children (among other things). The measure failed, and that's a darn shame, 'cause kids need more money to spend on things like camera phones.

Not a June bride-to-be
Those of you eagerly awaiting your invitation to JL's wedding will have to wait awhile longer. According to the Associated Press, her attorney says she just hasn't had time to adequately plan the event, but the couple is "certainly still engaged."

It occurs to me that it would be nice to have an attorney/spokesperson to deliver hard-to-explain news. I would like, for example, to have someone to call up all my relatives to say: "Hello, Aunt Maude? This is Lawyer X. Just calling to let you know S's relationship is over. No, no, now Aunt Maude, she's very much heterosexual! And, oh yes, while I have you on the line, she didn't get that job she really wanted, but I assure you she's certainly employable."

Alderson-bound?
As you may have already heard, it's possible Martha Stewart may have to spend some quality time in sunny Alderson, WV. If so, I wonder if she'll find the Mountain State to be "a good thing."

Guess who's been robbed again
Ho hum. Another day, another $85,000 stolen out of Mr. Powerball's vehicle.

Queer eye for Hardy County
A big thank you to Amy in VA for sending this article to me: Getting lost in WV - A Growing Number of Gays are Enchanted by Lost River

It seems the "rural wilderness" of Lost River has become quite the retreat for gays and lesbians from D.C., Baltimore, etc. According to one restaurant owner, who recently moved to the area, "During hunting season, you can come in here and there will be a table of hunters, then a table of women, and then a table of gay guys..."

Hunters, women and gay guys, all sitting around singing Kumbaya. As Amy wrote to me, let's hope Mel's daddy doesn't hear about this!

'Intersex' hillbilly fish
I hereby demand equal rights for WV transgender fish! And they should be allowed to marry, darn it! Seriously, though, this story is rather frightening. It seems that male smallmouth bass in the South Branch of the Potomac river have developed eggs in their testes. No, that's not normal. And, why have these 'intersex' fish appeared? The cause hasn't been determined, but pollution is suspected.

A small update to yesterday's post. Jerry e-mailed saying he had heard of this guy in Reedy, and he was famous for his print-shop and had been written about in the state papers, but he's not sure if the guy's still alive.

Know your WV hate groups
I was searching for an online map of the US the other day, and somehow I stumbled upon this map of WV hate groups. I was startled to see a swastika hovering over the general vacinity of my hometown. When I scrolled down and read the explanation of each symbol, I found that the group was in Reedy. I remember playing 7th & 8th grade basketball games in Reedy -- in a school cafeteria, if I remember correctly.

Best non-casino name for a WV casino
Ok, here's my favorite casino name so far:

"Must be 21 years old to enter, LLC"
(from Mineral Wells in Wood County)

The words "years old" may or may not be there -- I just can't remember.